Printable View
Pics snapped at the right place and at the right time!! ;)
1 The US cavalry give a whole new meaning to "mount up"
2 "Hello...HELLO??? Obama are you jerking me around here boy!!"
3 Meanwhile, no wonder old Queen Liz is smiling
4 This perverted trend seems to continue with sportsmen
5 On both sides of the pond it would seem!
6 Now that is a rather larger warm front about to descend over Pennsylvania
7 Is there a reward for his capture coz I have a slight idea where he might be!
I didn't know Brandon Iron was a weatherman in his spare time:D The sports ones were hilarious, but the last one with the newsman reporting on the sketch of the wanted man was unbeatable. Great stuff and very imaganative.
Thanks Alkie,
The Shape
May I suggest another punch line _
Quote:
Originally Posted by elno
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and, looking down at his wife, he says, "This is the filthy pig I've been fucking!"
His wife, glancing up from the book she's reading says calmly, "That's a sheep, you idiot."
To which he replies, "I wasn't talking to you."
An 85 year old man living at a retirement home goes out for a walk one day.
Along the path he sees a frog, as he approaches the frog says "I'm not really a frog, if you kiss me I'll change into a beautiful princess and we'll make mad passionate love all day every day.
The old man calmly reaches down, picks up the frog and puts it in his jacket pocket. He then continues his walk.
After a few minutes the frog sticks its head out and says "Hey, didn't you hear me I'm actually a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I'll change back and we'll make mad passionate love ALL day EVERY day.
The old boy just looks down and says "At this point in my life I'd rather have a talking frog.
Well why not, here's your chance to get in on the next big thing.
http://www.sockandawe.com
my personal best is 8 hits
Here is another irreverent crowd pleaser
http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/lawyer_hunt.htm
Verry difficult to corner this lawyer , I did manage a hit , after perhaps 50 shots.
.
Here is one for you guys, try it it mesmerized me for hours :p
http://vili.us/hypno.html
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?" The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks." "You don't understand;" says the man, "Chunks is my dog."
:D
An explanation to all you foreigners out there about my national animal:
Some have the bald eagle, others have the springbok, some even have the kangaroo, while we have...
...The Haggis!
It is a small native animal that has adapted to Scotland's steep hills by growing only three legs. Each leg is a different length so the result of this is that when hunting haggis, you must get them on to a flat plain and then they are very easy to catch as they can only run round in circles.
The noise haggis make during the mating season gave rise to that other great Scottish invention, the bagpipes. Speculation has it that the bagpipes were indeed invented in Scotland simply to lure unsuspecting haggis into a trapA little known fact about the haggis is its aquatic ability. You would think that with three legs of differing lengths, the poor wee beastie wouldn't be very good at swimming, but as some of the Scottish hillsides have rather spectacular Lochs (lakes) on them, over the years, the haggis has learned to swim very well. In the water, haggis have been known to reach speeds of up to 35 knots, and therefore coupled with their amazing agility in this environment, are extremely difficult to catch, however, if the hunter can predict where the haggis will land, a good tip is to wait in hiding on the shore, because when they come out of the water, they will inevitably run round in circles to dry themselves off.Haggis normally give birth to two or more young Haggis, or "wee yins", as they are called in Scotland, and from birth, their eyes are open, and they are immediately able to run around in circles, just like their parent. The wee yins are fiercely independent, and it is only a matter of weeks before they leave the parent, and go off foraging for food on their own, although it is perhaps a two or three year period before they are themselves mature enough to give birth.
Most Haggis hunters will leave the wee yins, due simply to their size, but when attacked by other predators, they are still able to emit the bagpipe like sound, which again has the effect of very quickly clearing the surrounding area of all predators, and attracting other Haggis to the scene. This results in a very low infant mortality rate, with most wee yins actually making it to adulthood. The lifespan of the Haggis is again an unknown quantity, but from tagging done in the Victorian era, we know that some haggis live for well over 100 years.
Many other countries have tried to establish breeding colonies of haggis, but to no avail. It's something about the air and water in Scotland, which once the Haggis is removed from that environment, they just pine away.After catching your Haggis, it is cooked in boiling water for a period of time, then served with tatties and neeps (and before you ask, that's potatoes and turnips).
alkie you muppet. It's supposed to be a joke thread, not a wildlife of Scotland tutorial.
What's next? The breeding habits of the Golf and why they are almost extinct?
Everyone know that the "Golf" is of German descent and the reason it is close to extinction is because of the continual predatory habits of the "Audi" :DQuote:
Originally Posted by elno
Okay, I have one you'll like, and appropriate for the forum too!
A penguin is driving through the deserts of Arizona when her car breaks down. She gets it towed to the nearest shop, and while waiting for it to be checked out, visits the local ice cream parlor. Lacking thumbs, she makes quite a mess of herself trying to eat the quickly melting ice cream. When the penguin is finished, she wanders back to the mechanic shop and asks what the problem is with the car. The mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin, blushing, replies, "Oh no... it's just ice cream."
I liked your joke, but I'm almost certain penguins can't blush.
well, they can't drive either.....
:D But I bet they can suck a mean "seal sausage" :DQuote:
Originally Posted by bucketsofcrazy_oral-am
To most here, it's just a funny picture. To those of us in the Chicago area, it's a perfect summation of the Rex Grossman era. :mad:
http://www.facialforum.net/attachmen...3&d=1228240739
This pic falls under the category: So, you think YOU have a bad job?
i like these personally.
You never know what will tickle some people...
A sick one for all you UK members:
Graeme Garden is in his 60's
Bill Oddie is also around that age
as is Tim Brooke Taylor
Who would have thought it then that Jade would have been the first Goodie to kick the bucket :D
Yeah I Know... That's Really Bad!!
Either I am slower than I like to think, or something got lost while crossing the Atlantic. I don't get it.Quote:
Originally Posted by alkie
Hi Bri don't worry if you didn't get it, the clue was in UK members, you guys across the pond won't know who she is or even who they are!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Brian1453
I figured as much. We have always been fans of Monty Python, Benny Hill, and AbFab but every now and then you have one of those cultural "Whoa, what did that mean?" moments.Quote:
Originally Posted by alkie
I get it and yes, that is really really bad!Quote:
Originally Posted by alkie
I came home from work and Siobhan was crying the blues. She wanted $6000 for a boob job. I groaned and said "honey... you don't need $6000 for a boob job. Just take some toilet paper and rub it on your boobs every morning when you get up. They will grow huge :D"
-
-
-
She sniffled and said "just how the hell will that work? :confused:"
-
-
-
I shrugged a shoulder and said... "it worked on your ass :p".
-
-
-
then i wanted a blow job... yeah right... the corsair didn't get one for a very long time after that.
So I came home at 2 o'clock in the morning, stinking drunk, smelling of perfume and lipstick on my shirt. Siobhan was waiting for me with a cast iron skillet in her hand. I smiled, slapped her on the ass and said, "I'm glad you're up to cook me some steak and eggs because you're next tubby".
-
-
-
when the Corsair regained consciousness he realized the only thing that beat him to the hospital were the head lights of the ambulance he was riding in.
Siobhan was pregnant at about 7 months and we were fooling around in the kitchen. Just as I was about to mount, the stupidest words to ever escape the Corsairs mouth made it past his lips. "Call me Ishmael".
-
-
-
that's a true story and really happend. and i thought the wife trying to kill the husband with a frying pan only happened in cartoons until that day.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Ba Da Bum!! :D
Dr Dave had slept with one of his patients & felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice saying 'Dave don't worry about it, your not the first Doctor to sleep with one of your patients & you won't be the last, and your single, just let it go'.
but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering...
...'Dave you're a f@cking vet' :eek:
On Maths:
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top
and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Ralphy replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I
like your thinking.'
On English:
Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Ralphy says 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful.'
Little Ralphy says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
On Grammar:
Little Ralphy was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, Ralphy, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little Ralphy, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
Thanks Alkie. Those are funny. I like the way Ralphy thinks. ;)
A truck driver was driving along the M25 and passes under a bridge, he glances up and sees a pretty young blonde perched on the edge, crying.
Concerned for her safety, he pulls over and fantically runs towards her waving his arms....
''stop, wait'' he cries
He reaches the girl and grabs her arm just as she lunges forward to jump.
''woah! what are you doing?'' he asks
''committing suicide'' cries the girl
The truck driver thinks for a moment and says...
''Oh well, any chance of a blow job before you jump?''
The girl thinks a moment and replies ''yes''
After 10 minutes of the most perfect blowjob ever, the truck driver blows his load and the girl walks sobbing back to the bridge.
''fuck me, that was fantastic'' the driver says ''...but what makes you want to commit suicide?''
''my mum and dad hate me dressing as a girl'' comes the reply.......
A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my dick inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my cock unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his prick and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up...
...'I'll try it
Just try not to hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver
Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
Photo Attached
lmao great jokes everyone! :D
Entertain A Bar Girl
Liquor In The Front
Poker In The Rear
This is an important announcement. In order to help stop the spread of the H1N1 Influenza strain our top medical advisers are asking everyone to study the following medical guide. Please comply immediately. :D
This is just a funny pic. It has not been photoshopped. The sunlight going through these deep, ornate archways is just doing something the builders probably did not intend. I bet this bridge is very popular with young lovers.
Are you unnoticed?
Are you sick of being ignored?
Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines
while others are picked?
Are you tired of being overlooked?
Get a new scarf ! !
Try the latest scarf fashion and you too
will be the center of attention . . .
The 'slutty' ones with the tattoo especially crack me up. :D
Well I know I would!! :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Brian1453