i don't suppose an admin can move my post to the plat section of general chat?
That would be greatly appreciated:D
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i don't suppose an admin can move my post to the plat section of general chat?
That would be greatly appreciated:D
One good Scottish joke deserves another:Quote:
Originally Posted by alkie
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
This is how you make a beer commercial
I got on the tube last week
And sat opposite a gorgeous Thai girl
I thought "don't get an erection , don't get an erection "
But she did ; )
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrbubbles
Ehhhh - where is the beer :confused::confused:;)
It is during the Height of the British Empire and a small group of three Missionaries are traveling through darkest Africa looking for new tribes to convert.
After many days of misfortune and bad omens they lose all their porters and guides and are left stranded and at the mercy of the wild.
Soon after, they are captured by a tribe of fierce Warriors and brought before the Tribal King.
The king decrees that they are trespassers to their lands but will listen as to why these strange white people have come.
The missionaries extol the virtues of their faith and that they have risked all to come to the tribe in order to spread the word. They even go so far as to say that their lives are not as important as their message.
The King proclaims that the missionaries can choose to be killed outright or undergo the test of Nanga-Nanga. If they show their bravery in surviving the test the King will allow the missionaries to live amongst them and spread their word, and when the time comes will provide them with guides and porters to return to their home.
The King turns to the first missionary and asks "Do you chose Death or do you chose Nanga-Nanga"
The Missionary stands proudly and without any hesitation says "I choose Nanga-Nanga."
The crowd gasps in astonishment and awe then slowly chants "Nanga-Nanga. Nanga-Nanga".
The King nods his head at the man and says "You are a very brave man. Call forth Nanga-Nanga!"
At his command the furthermost hut has its barred door opened and a massive 7 foot tall tribesman steps out. His Ebony skin gleaming as if oiled, naked except for the grass loincloth.
The missionary grows wary but thinks that he learned to wrestle at college - maybe this is some primitive battle of strength.
The Massive tribesman steps towards the man and with a fierce grin tears off his loin cloth revealing a huge but flaccid member at least 18 inches long.
As the tribe keeps chanting Nanga-Nanga it pulses into full erection keeping in time to the chants. Standing proudly at 30 inches the Tribesman grabs the shocked missionary and impales his ass upon it.
The shock and pain is so great that the missionary barely gets a squeak out before falling unconscious.
With a cry of disgust the tribesman tears the unconscious missionary off and hurls him away where the waiting warriors kill him and throw him into the pot.
The King turns to the second missionary and offers the same choice. "You have seen Nanga-Nanga in action now. So I ask again death or Nanga-Nanga?"
The Second missionary thinks to himself - to choose Nanga-Nanga is a sin of sodomy, but then at least I would be alive, preaching and later I can go and ask for atonement. If I choose death I have failed the mission of my faith and committed a sin of suicide. Im sure that the first missionary passed out due to shock and surprise - Im sure that knowing whats to come I will be able to bear it.
So the second missionary says - "I choose Nunga-Nunga your majesty."
The Crowd is astonished. Even the King is surprised. Never the less he nods to the massive tribesman who immediately pounces on the hapless missionary.
Pile driving his huge member like a pneumatic hammer into the poor Englishman he brings himself to a massive climax. Alas the added fluid pressure is so great that the missionary dies from internal rupturing. The tribesmen quickly collect the fallen body and toss him in the pot.
The Giant stands up and the crowd cheers. In front of the startled eyes of the 3rd missionary the tribesman's member quickly grows turgid again.
The King looks at the remaining white man and says "Well do you choose Death or Nanga Nanga?"
At this the last missionaries composure cracks and he yells back "I chose Death! Cause even DEATH is better than being boned up the ass by some big black tribal cock!"
The King nods his head at the lone missionary and says "You are even braver than the others. For you I choose Death BY Nanga-Nanga"
Two women step into the office elevator. One proclaims "Ewww look at that!! Some one has ejaculated on the wall!"
The other reaches out with her hand and pops some in her mouth "Odd" she says "It's no one that I know"
---oooOvOoo---
The new year at the Veterinary's College has started and the Senior Lecturer is introducing himself to the new class.
"Class" he says "Veterinary Medicine is not for the faint hearted. You need to have at least 2 characteristics. First is a strong constitution. You will be required to work and do things in some foul places and in bad smells. For example" here he whips aside the covering of a cow carcass " you may have to use all your techniques and skills to identify the cause of illness or death and it may not be pleasant."
And with this he takes his middle finger and rams it up the cows anus, then pulls it out. He then pops his index finger in his mouth.
The class is shocked and some are quite nauseated.
"I want all of you to come down here and do exactly what I did. If you cannot do so you may leave now and your enrollment fees will be refunded."
Some students leave immediately, while others cannot bring their cowpat covered finger to their mouths and thus fail. A few gag and vomit after doing so and choose to leave as well.
About half the class manages to do this disgusting thing - placing their middle finger up the cows ass and then putting it in their mouth.
The Lecturer looks at the remaining students who are all in some form of distress. "Now then I said that you need two characteristics. I see that you all have managed to pass the Constitutional requirement. But equally important is the Perceptual one. How many of you saw me put my INDEX finger in my mouth ..."
---oooOvOoo---
Some Definitions:
Innuendo : An Italian Suppository
Specimen : An Italian Astronaut
Also
nisentite: German for Virgin
Emo Phillips, I saw him in Peoria, IL about 7 years ago, he wasn't that funny. Maybe just a bad night for him.Quote:
Originally Posted by fert69
Saw this the other day, reminded me of FF and this thread:D
When Love Fades:
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV
when I heard my wife's' voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my love?
Chicken, Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you dear, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, butt head ... I was
talking to the cat."
Teach your robot to act like a dog
Hey let go of my leg
www.dailymotion.com/video/x11yc7_robot-libido_fun
.
i was thrown out o our local baths today, just cuz the S had rubbed of my SPEEDO,S
Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm A Celebrity, Get
Me Out Of Here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.
What is nasal sex?
F**k nose.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for f**ks sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'
Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham. (UK Joke):D
In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert
£2 and push knob in'.
A funny commercial with a facial surprise: http: //www . youtube . com/watch?v=Z7U8Fl5A4OY
Another with a beauty who is willing but needs glasses: http ://www . youtube . com/watch?v=U9y9McTwNKE
And a few jokes:
Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius!
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!
And a few more jokes which begin and end with those elusive G-Spots:
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
A man walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing but seran wrap pants.
The therapist takes one look at him and says "Clearly, I can see your nuts."
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed,
Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.
As sex education is being taught at a younger age these days little Johnny is in class one day when the teacher begins the days sex lesson.
"Today's letter is the letter "p" and the word is "penis".
Little Johnny can hardly contain himself and blurts out, "I know what that is"! "I know! I know!!"
" My daddy has two of them! "
"He has a little one he goes pee with...and a great big one he brushes the baby sitters teeth with!"
A young married couple go to a sex therapist, and the bride promptly complains, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation!"
"Is this true?" the therapist calmly asks.
"Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does."
Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a Golf ball through a 20 ft. garden hose?
A: `Darling', `Sweetheart', `Precious', Whatever it takes.
Bill and Doug were having a drink at the bar and Bill says, "I found my wife's G-spot".
Doug says, "Oh yeah?"
Bill replies, "Yep - my neighbor had it."
Here are a few laughs to help you make it through the last hours of the work week. Well, for those of us here in the US anyway still waiting for our weekend to start. Hope the rest of you are already enjoying your weekend. :)
I saw these on Funny or Die today, figured they would be appreciated here:p
Those are good Jonze. If you are going to do the milk thing, then just do it! :D
Here are a few more funny ones. The first two seem especially right for FF.
Feeling not so good ?
http://www.facialforum.net/attachmen...9&d=1316381774
Like you really need to go ?
http://www.facialforum.net/attachmen...0&d=1316381774
But you don't know where ?
http://www.facialforum.net/attachmen...71d=1316381774
Invest in Pumpkins !
www.cnbc.com/id/44560678
.
A different kind of before and after set of pics. :D
You do need to read the guy's shirt in the 2nd pic.
And for anyone thinking I normally condone beautiful women being called "bitch", I don't. But it is called the bitch seat.
And a few more laughs from the road.
I know I would stop for the lady in the last pic.
Some fun cartoons :D
Soon it is winter in Denmark and other places :cool:
Commercial of a different kind :cool:
Wedding cakes not found at all patisseries :cool:
Remote controls for men and women :cool:
added more remote's to men ...
Scan of Homer Simpson's head
Testing of blond blond women (are she a real blond?) :cool:
Do you want this key on your keyboard:confused:
Nice additions !!
or us Geordies !Quote:
Originally Posted by alkie
Hilarious, Brian1453 & Greyhound. :D :D lol
Piper
Thanks Piper. Always a good feeling if you can make a beautiful woman smile. :)
Great additions Greyhound. I especially liked the cartoons and the gender remotes. Add one more button for computer games and this would do for me and the wife.
http://www.facialforum.net/attachmen...5&d=1318170305
I found this pic of a truly custom molded motorcycle and just had to share it. It has been quite a few years since I owned a motorcycle but this one has me rethinking that.
Great bike :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Brian1453
Even I have seen this before, I can still enjoy it :p
Thanks :D
Great pics and jokes in this thread :D
Adding one pic with a girl making a copy of her stunning pussy.
She really looks exhausted :D
Most likely had a rough night with FF members!
Glad we consists of flesh as well and not only bones
A blowjob is not that sexy without it :D
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"