Comedy Central, Let's Have A Giggle!!

[alkie]

Pics snapped at the right place and at the right time!!

1 The US cavalry give a whole new meaning to "mount up"
2 "Hello...HELLO??? Obama are you jerking me around here boy!!"
3 Meanwhile, no wonder old Queen Liz is smiling
4 This perverted trend seems to continue with sportsmen
5 On both sides of the pond it would seem!
6 Now that is a rather larger warm front about to descend over Pennsylvania
7 Is there a reward for his capture coz I have a slight idea where he might be!

[The Shape]

I didn't know Brandon Iron was a weatherman in his spare time The sports ones were hilarious, but the last one with the newsman reporting on the sketch of the wanted man was unbeatable. Great stuff and very imaganative.

Thanks Alkie,

The Shape

[franklynxxx]

May I suggest another punch line _

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who
wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes
and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the
young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
No, but If you want to pursue this particular job you will have to
travel to London, that's where the f##king back of the queue is!!

[muffledpud]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and, looking down at his wife, he says, "This is the filthy pig I've been fucking!"

His wife, glancing up from the book she's reading says calmly, "That's a sheep, you idiot."

To which he replies, "I wasn't talking to you."

[gmatson9]

An 85 year old man living at a retirement home goes out for a walk one day.

Along the path he sees a frog, as he approaches the frog says "I'm not really a frog, if you kiss me I'll change into a beautiful princess and we'll make mad passionate love all day every day.

The old man calmly reaches down, picks up the frog and puts it in his jacket pocket. He then continues his walk.

After a few minutes the frog sticks its head out and says "Hey, didn't you hear me I'm actually a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I'll change back and we'll make mad passionate love ALL day EVERY day.

The old boy just looks down and says "At this point in my life I'd rather have a talking frog.

[franklynxxx]

Well why not, here's your chance to get in on the next big thing.
http://www.sockandawe.com
my personal best is 8 hits

Here is another irreverent crowd pleaser
http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/lawyer_hunt.htm
Verry difficult to corner this lawyer , I did manage a hit , after perhaps 50 shots.

.

[alkie]

Here is one for you guys, try it it mesmerized me for hours
http://vili.us/hypno.html

[wysiwyg]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?" The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks." "You don't understand;" says the man, "Chunks is my dog."

[alkie]

An explanation to all you foreigners out there about my national animal:

Some have the bald eagle, others have the springbok, some even have the kangaroo, while we have...

...The Haggis!

It is a small native animal that has adapted to Scotland's steep hills by growing only three legs. Each leg is a different length so the result of this is that when hunting haggis, you must get them on to a flat plain and then they are very easy to catch as they can only run round in circles.

The noise haggis make during the mating season gave rise to that other great Scottish invention, the bagpipes. Speculation has it that the bagpipes were indeed invented in Scotland simply to lure unsuspecting haggis into a trap

A little known fact about the haggis is its aquatic ability. You would think that with three legs of differing lengths, the poor wee beastie wouldn't be very good at swimming, but as some of the Scottish hillsides have rather spectacular Lochs (lakes) on them, over the years, the haggis has learned to swim very well. In the water, haggis have been known to reach speeds of up to 35 knots, and therefore coupled with their amazing agility in this environment, are extremely difficult to catch, however, if the hunter can predict where the haggis will land, a good tip is to wait in hiding on the shore, because when they come out of the water, they will inevitably run round in circles to dry themselves off.

Haggis normally give birth to two or more young Haggis, or "wee yins", as they are called in Scotland, and from birth, their eyes are open, and they are immediately able to run around in circles, just like their parent. The wee yins are fiercely independent, and it is only a matter of weeks before they leave the parent, and go off foraging for food on their own, although it is perhaps a two or three year period before they are themselves mature enough to give birth.
Most Haggis hunters will leave the wee yins, due simply to their size, but when attacked by other predators, they are still able to emit the bagpipe like sound, which again has the effect of very quickly clearing the surrounding area of all predators, and attracting other Haggis to the scene. This results in a very low infant mortality rate, with most wee yins actually making it to adulthood. The lifespan of the Haggis is again an unknown quantity, but from tagging done in the Victorian era, we know that some haggis live for well over 100 years.

Many other countries have tried to establish breeding colonies of haggis, but to no avail. It's something about the air and water in Scotland, which once the Haggis is removed from that environment, they just pine away.

After catching your Haggis, it is cooked in boiling water for a period of time, then served with tatties and neeps (and before you ask, that's potatoes and turnips).

[elno]

alkie you muppet. It's supposed to be a joke thread, not a wildlife of Scotland tutorial.
What's next? The breeding habits of the Golf and why they are almost extinct?