Comedy Central, Let's Have A Giggle!!

[largeloadman]

i don't suppose an admin can move my post to the plat section of general chat?
That would be greatly appreciated

[kw21925]

A English lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a train. The lawyer is thinking that the Scots are so dumb that he could put one over on him easily...So the lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Scot is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500",
This catches the Scots attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Scot doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five pound note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's his turn. He asks the lawyer,
'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scot and hands him £500. he happily pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scot up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Scot reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

And the moral of this little tale?
Never underestimate the guile of a Scotsman!

One good Scottish joke deserves another:

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

[mrbubbles]

This is how you make a beer commercial

[golfball]

I got on the tube last week
And sat opposite a gorgeous Thai girl
I thought "don't get an erection , don't get an erection "


But she did ; )

[greyhound]

This is how you make a beer commercial

Ehhhh - where is the beer

[Spooman]

It is during the Height of the British Empire and a small group of three Missionaries are traveling through darkest Africa looking for new tribes to convert.
After many days of misfortune and bad omens they lose all their porters and guides and are left stranded and at the mercy of the wild.
Soon after, they are captured by a tribe of fierce Warriors and brought before the Tribal King.
The king decrees that they are trespassers to their lands but will listen as to why these strange white people have come.
The missionaries extol the virtues of their faith and that they have risked all to come to the tribe in order to spread the word. They even go so far as to say that their lives are not as important as their message.
The King proclaims that the missionaries can choose to be killed outright or undergo the test of Nanga-Nanga. If they show their bravery in surviving the test the King will allow the missionaries to live amongst them and spread their word, and when the time comes will provide them with guides and porters to return to their home.

The King turns to the first missionary and asks "Do you chose Death or do you chose Nanga-Nanga"

The Missionary stands proudly and without any hesitation says "I choose Nanga-Nanga."

The crowd gasps in astonishment and awe then slowly chants "Nanga-Nanga. Nanga-Nanga".

The King nods his head at the man and says "You are a very brave man. Call forth Nanga-Nanga!"

At his command the furthermost hut has its barred door opened and a massive 7 foot tall tribesman steps out. His Ebony skin gleaming as if oiled, naked except for the grass loincloth.
The missionary grows wary but thinks that he learned to wrestle at college - maybe this is some primitive battle of strength.

The Massive tribesman steps towards the man and with a fierce grin tears off his loin cloth revealing a huge but flaccid member at least 18 inches long.
As the tribe keeps chanting Nanga-Nanga it pulses into full erection keeping in time to the chants. Standing proudly at 30 inches the Tribesman grabs the shocked missionary and impales his ass upon it.

The shock and pain is so great that the missionary barely gets a squeak out before falling unconscious.

With a cry of disgust the tribesman tears the unconscious missionary off and hurls him away where the waiting warriors kill him and throw him into the pot.

The King turns to the second missionary and offers the same choice. "You have seen Nanga-Nanga in action now. So I ask again death or Nanga-Nanga?"

The Second missionary thinks to himself - to choose Nanga-Nanga is a sin of sodomy, but then at least I would be alive, preaching and later I can go and ask for atonement. If I choose death I have failed the mission of my faith and committed a sin of suicide. Im sure that the first missionary passed out due to shock and surprise - Im sure that knowing whats to come I will be able to bear it.

So the second missionary says - "I choose Nunga-Nunga your majesty."

The Crowd is astonished. Even the King is surprised. Never the less he nods to the massive tribesman who immediately pounces on the hapless missionary.
Pile driving his huge member like a pneumatic hammer into the poor Englishman he brings himself to a massive climax. Alas the added fluid pressure is so great that the missionary dies from internal rupturing. The tribesmen quickly collect the fallen body and toss him in the pot.

The Giant stands up and the crowd cheers. In front of the startled eyes of the 3rd missionary the tribesman's member quickly grows turgid again.

The King looks at the remaining white man and says "Well do you choose Death or Nanga Nanga?"

At this the last missionaries composure cracks and he yells back "I chose Death! Cause even DEATH is better than being boned up the ass by some big black tribal cock!"

The King nods his head at the lone missionary and says "You are even braver than the others. For you I choose Death BY Nanga-Nanga"

[Spooman]

Two women step into the office elevator. One proclaims "Ewww look at that!! Some one has ejaculated on the wall!"
The other reaches out with her hand and pops some in her mouth "Odd" she says "It's no one that I know"

---oooOvOoo---

The new year at the Veterinary's College has started and the Senior Lecturer is introducing himself to the new class.

"Class" he says "Veterinary Medicine is not for the faint hearted. You need to have at least 2 characteristics. First is a strong constitution. You will be required to work and do things in some foul places and in bad smells. For example" here he whips aside the covering of a cow carcass " you may have to use all your techniques and skills to identify the cause of illness or death and it may not be pleasant."
And with this he takes his middle finger and rams it up the cows anus, then pulls it out. He then pops his index finger in his mouth.
The class is shocked and some are quite nauseated.
"I want all of you to come down here and do exactly what I did. If you cannot do so you may leave now and your enrollment fees will be refunded."

Some students leave immediately, while others cannot bring their cowpat covered finger to their mouths and thus fail. A few gag and vomit after doing so and choose to leave as well.
About half the class manages to do this disgusting thing - placing their middle finger up the cows ass and then putting it in their mouth.

The Lecturer looks at the remaining students who are all in some form of distress. "Now then I said that you need two characteristics. I see that you all have managed to pass the Constitutional requirement. But equally important is the Perceptual one. How many of you saw me put my INDEX finger in my mouth ..."

---oooOvOoo---

[Spooman]

Some Definitions:

Innuendo : An Italian Suppository
Specimen : An Italian Astronaut

Also

nisentite: German for Virgin

[JLproductions]

Emo Phillips. Nice

Emo Phillips, I saw him in Peoria, IL about 7 years ago, he wasn't that funny. Maybe just a bad night for him.

[jonze]

Saw this the other day, reminded me of FF and this thread