Comedy Central, Let's Have A Giggle!!

An Irish Boy's Confession

'Bless me
Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a very loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Tommy O'Reilly?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I
don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Gaynor O'Hardman?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Jilly O'Barker?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Portia Andrews?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Caroline O'Swannick?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Ruth Mather, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Tommy walks back to his pew,
and his friend Johnny
slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.' :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by franklynxxx

Entertain A Bar Girl

Liquor In The Front

Poker In The Rear

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Lovely!

Sign seen at a truckstop near Durango in the great State of Colorado:

EAT HERE - GET GAS

A country boy, Billy, befriends a city-slicker, Paul. Paul becomes interested in hunting, and Billy agrees to show him the ropes.

Deer season is in, so Billy takes Paul to a well-placed tree stand and instructs Paul:

"Whatever you do, don't move! Deer are skittish, and if you move too early you'll spook them and miss your chance!"

Paul agrees and Billy leaves to set up in his own stand. Several hours pass, and suddenly the forest is deafened by a series of shots from a high-powered rifle. Excited, Billy rushes back to Paul to find out how big a deer he brought down.

Arriving on the scene, Billy yells, "Paul! I heard the shots, where's the deer?!"

Paul replies, "Now hold on Billy. I was sitting here, and a skunk came by, and pointed his business end at me, but I didn't move! Finally he went on his way."

"Well that's great, but where's the deer?!"

"Hang on, I'm not finished. An hour or so later, a bear came through the woods, stopped at the bottom of this tree and stared up at me, clawing the bark and pacing back and forth, but I didn't move! Finally he went on his way."

"Wow, that's crazy Paul, but I heard the shots, what did you hit?"

"Well that's what I'm trying to get to! A couple hours after the bear left, two squirrels ran up this tree, and ran up my pants leg. They were running back and forth, chattering and chasing each other, but I didn't move! But I sure has hell had to do something when I heard one of them say 'I'm gonna eat one now and take the other home for later'!"

There was this guy. He often went away on trips, far from home, Long trips. While this man was away on his trips, his wife would get very very dissatisfied. Thus, she cheated on him, but when he came back, she felt guilty, so she always told him. Well, after a while, the man got very frustrated with his wife's adultry, so he went to an adult toy shop. He looked around, but saw nothing special.

The man knew he needed something special, so he decided to tell the salesclerk. "I need something really amazing for my wife. All I see here are normal toys."

"Well, there is the voodoo dick, but I don't want to sell you THAT." replied the clerk.

"Let me see it anyway!" Answered the man.

The salesclerk took him into a room and pulled out a box. He opened the box, and inside was something that looked like a normal toy.

"That's not special!" cried the man.

"Ah, but look. Voodoo dick, THE DOOR." The dick in the box got up and began to hump the door.

"I'll take that, but how do you get it to stop?"

The salesclerk sold him the voodoo dick, then, said simply "Voodoo dick? The box."

So the man took voodoo dick back home to his wife and showed her how to get it to hump something. Then, he left for a trip.

The wife waited and waited and waited, but she couldn't stand her urges. She took out the voodoo dick and said "voodoo dick? My-" well, we know what she said. So, it was the best she had ever known, and she kept at it for about 3 hours. Then, she wanted it out. She pulled and pulled, but in vain, for her husband had forgotten to tell her about the little box trick. Finally, she decided to go to the hospital to get it out. She drove kind of wacky, well, because there was something in her. Finally, a police man pulled her over for her driving.

"But..." She told the police man of the voodoo dick, to get out of the ticket.

He laughed at her foolish story. "Voodoo dick my ass!" he cried.

I like it, but I saw an entirely different scenario unfolding. Where I come from, "box" can mean "pussy".

(Actually the other popular word for "pussy" is "fanny", but I'm afraid that means something different in the US.)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fingers

Lovely!

Sign seen at a truckstop near Durango in the great State of Colorado:

EAT HERE - GET GAS

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Sign posted in many bars in the USA:

FREE BEER TOMORROW!

Best graffiti I've ever seen in a pub -- this was in the Gent's toilet . . .

<< URINAL . . . ARSENAL >>

(For pub connoisseurs, it was in The Glendale, Byker, Newcastle upon Tyne.)

Have you ever wondered what happened to all those cute and crazy, good looking, young hippie chicks who did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed everywhere and did every guy during the Age of Aquarius back in the 60's?

Well, wonder no more!

Here are a few laughs for everyone about to have Thanksgiving.

Okay, Thanksgiving is behind us so it is time to start getting into the Christmas spirit. Here is one way to decorate your house. I guess Santa had too much eggnog. :D

Good one Brian1453:D Here is something I came across, no way would I ever want to get that close. 2 of the worst ways I can think of checking out...eaten by a shark or a plane crash. Or even worse, survive the plane crash into shark infested waters and get eaten......:eek::eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by The Shape

Good one Brian1453:D Here is something I came across, no way would I ever want to get that close. 2 of the worst ways I can think of checking out...eaten by a shark or a plane crash. Or even worse, survive the plane crash into shark infested waters and get eaten......:eek::eek:

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Yep, that looks like the definition of stupidity to me, the short version, or the soon-to-be short version. ;) I lean more towards the guy in the movie "Jaws" who, after seeing the great white said, "We are going to need a bigger boat!"

Great jokes. I love the poster ones. I have quite a few myself.

More. I realize the eagle and cat one was already posted, but the description is different and I kinda like this one better.

Oh come on ye faithful!:eek:

Girl says to boyfriend ''u make love like u decorate'' he replies ''what...slow with smooth strokes & professional finish?' ''no'' she replies ''more like the fucking Council, u just bang it up, leave a right mess & I have to finish the fucking job myself!!

"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's we used to know."

:eek: That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the British National Party. :eek:

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

So, after shoveling snow for the third time in five days my thoughts turn to warmer climates. A friend with too much snow on his hands as well sent me the following:


THREE REASONS TO LIVE IN A WARM CLIMATE


ONE:

THREE REASONS TO LIVE IN A WARM CLIMATE:


....and the OTHER TWO:

Here's a few that made me chuckle, I hope you enjoy...

I hate waking up in the morning and finding fucking snow on my car. :D

Proof of global warming.

Do you have an annoying neighbor? Maybe you need the right hedge in your yard.

I know it is the 21st Century but some things are still just wrong. :D

Ever feel like you forgot something?

For some reason this comedians joke in a magazine cracked me up.

My girlfriend left me, she said I don't know anything about women.
So I kicked her in the balls.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:
politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal,
he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with a wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"


- More at this site : h--p://raj-madan.com/AdultJokes.htm

__________________________________________________ _


This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look.

"Mom, why is my bigger brother named Thunderstorm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

"Because we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Thoughtfully, Mother paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you so curious?"


- The mother load : h--p://www.exbii.com/showthread.php?t=2066&page=1
- over 1300 pages

__________________________________________________ _


- Not so innocent , pssst , check the ages of these contributers

- h--p://www.mibba.com/forums/topic/125094/1/

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by alkie

Dave walks into the pub and sees his mate Jeff huddled on the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.
"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard on every time I see her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.
"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get a stiffy again. So I got some sellotape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible." says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Jeff huddles over the bar again. "I f##king kicked her in the face."

Badda Bay!! :D

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now that made me laugh my ass off

Wow, awesome jokes.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

A platoon was marching in Helmand province when they came upon a Taliban insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon commander asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, "I was moving north along the side of the road here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches alongside the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife shit bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing half-blind Jock, and Lord Mandelson is a cross-dressing power mad idiot.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian. He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a bus hit us."

I am staying in a place in FL. that seriously needs this bush. Nosy neighbors.
Has anyone heard the "Mom is on the Roof" joke?
If not, I will tell it. It is one of my favorites.
Piper

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brian1453

Do you have an annoying neighbor? Maybe you need the right hedge in your yard.

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That is hilarious.
Piper

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jonze

Oh come on ye faithful!:eek:

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Has this been posted yet?

Birth control advice.

Then you don't have to pull out. :)
Piper

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brian1453

Birth control advice.

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I hope this is not a repeat. Seems someone either did not know how to spell peonies or had something else on their mind.

I wonder how many guys dared stop by while this sign was up?

The first pic makes we want to go for a bike ride.

Having a bad day.